Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Welcome to New Jersey. We suck!

I just drove back from Philly to New Jersey. I live in NJ. I've lived there for most of my life. I like it. Most of the state deserves the name "Garden State." Come visit. It's nice.

But not the Turnpike. You know, that large road that a gazillion cars and trucks drive on every day. That smells like what shit would smell like if shit decided it was far too popular with the ladies.

So I'm wondering which moron decided that 'our least attractive feature' and 'our largest audience' deserved to meet each other. Did this guy get to keep his job?!

Now I'm sure this decision was made decades ago. Back when people thought that in the year 2000 we'd all be whizzing around in our Jetson's style car-planes and would enjoy swooping down from time to time to get a whiff of mustard gas. And I'm sure that it is monumentally expensive to either move the smelly stuff away from the massive audience that might otherwise be persuaded to visit the Garden State (or at least stop laughing at all those NJ jokes) or move the audience away from the smelly stuff.

OK. A bad decision many years ago and now we're stuck with it. (Although the powers that be may want to visit Chicago where they moved part of Lake Shore Drive away from the lake to create a better lakefront experience for locals and tourists in the crazy assumption that if a city seemed nicer and more fun, that life would be better.)

So maybe we're stuck with this. But we can still change people's perceptions by changing our attitude. Let's at least acknowledge and apologize for the problem. We should erect massive billboards that say:

"Dear motorist [that's government-speak for driver]: You are about to be overwhelmed and repulsed by the foul smell of our own proprietary NJ stank. We can't reveal the secret ingredients, but it has something to do with the visually unattractive refineries and power plants you see all around you. We sincerely apologize for what you are about to experience. Years ago, some idiot with a rich daddy managed to gain a government position of some influence and decided that it would be smart to put the nastiest smelling industry right near the road that forms many people's first impressions of our state. And since we're too busy spending tax dollars on all sorts of inconsequential nonsense, we can't do anything productive like fix this problem. Please don't hold it against us. After your surgery, we hope you'll come back and visit. If it's any consolation, your sense of smell is probably permanently impaired. Yours truly, the elected idiots of Noo Jerzee."

No comments: